The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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