hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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