Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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