Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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