So drunk its hurt
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
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The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.