Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
