The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
