but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I need water and some morals
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
