Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just fell off a train. Bad.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
