Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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