I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
