I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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