I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
