I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
