so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
