Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
her facebook's as public as her vagina
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
