she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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