I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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