Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
