it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
