Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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