no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
