I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she peed on how many people?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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