I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
