oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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