I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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