Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
