We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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