It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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