I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
