2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize
