I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
