What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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