I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
