Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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