Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
