I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
