my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
