Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
