While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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