So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
