Soap is not a condiment
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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