i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
When are your genitals available?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
