i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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