We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
