I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
