sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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