hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
