i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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