That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
