So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
