He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
