You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
