i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
