The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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