dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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