I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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