My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
