i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
