i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
