Welp...herpes.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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